Last night, “Pete Rose Hits & Mrs.” debuted on TLC, which I’m told once stood for “The Learning Channel.” The show follows Rose and his new fiancée, model Kiana Kim. In order to best convey the experience of watching Pete Rose on a reality show on the same channel as Honey Boo Boo and “Totally T-Boz,” I decided to simply describe everything Pete does in the pilot episode, “The Family Hustle,” factually, no embellishment, no fancy writer tricks. (I’ve tried this little narrative whirlygig before.) This is Pete Rose, as he is, in his own words. Oh, is it.

A Semi-Comprehensive List of Everything Pete Rose Does In The First Episode of “Pete Rose Hits & Mrs.”

  • Tosses a baseball up and down in the air.
     
  • Says, “I think Pete Rose is the guy who concentrated on winning more than anything else. I played 1,972 winning games and I got more hits than anybody in baseball history.”
     
  • Pretends to swing a bat at the camera.
     
  • Frowns.
     
  • Tells the camera, “I made some serious mistakes back in 1987. As manager of the Cincinnati Reds, I bet on my own team to win every night.”
     
  • Glares at a photo of A. Bartlett Giamatti.
     
  • Wears a bowler hat.
     
  • Gives a thumbs up to a smattering of people in Cooperstown.
     
  • Listens to someone tell him he should be in the Hall of Fame.
     
  • Puts his hands in a prayer position and says, “All you can hope is to get a second chance sometime.”
     
  • Wears a different bowler hat.
     
  • Claims he is “the only guy in Las Vegas who don’t gamble.”
     
  • Boasts in voiceover that his fiancée Kiana Kim, a woman 35 years his junior whom we see posing for pictures, is “one of the only two Korean girls to be in Playboy.”

  • Pretends to box with Kiana.
     
  • Says age is “just a number on your driver’s license.”
     
  • Tosses a baseball up and down in the air some more.
     
  • Says he didn’t want to do a reality show.
     
  • Laughs.
     
  • Admits he wanted America to “see who he is.”
     
  • Grouses that the show features “a lot of standing around,” but “that’s the movie business.”
     
  • Takes Kiana’s kids to a batting cage.
     
  • Complains that Kiana’s kids can’t play baseball, that they’re “upstairs playing video games, killing people in them military deals.”
     
  • Tells Kiana’s scared son that if “[the ball] hits you, it’ll only hurt for a couple of days.” Also informs him that if you spit on your hands, they will stop hurting.
     
  • Makes Kiana step in the batting cage.
     
  • Pretends that Kiana doesn’t know what a baseball bat is.
     
  • Adjusts Kiana’s batting stance.
     
  • Touches Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Touches Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Touches Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Complains about Kiana’s decision to have her breast implants taken out: “Bigger’s still better.”
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Tells the camera, for the third time in the episode, “I hope baseball can see to give me a second chance.”
     
  • Adds: “Pete Rose won’t need a third chance.”
     
  • Wears a different bowler hat.
     
  • Says he spends half his week in Las Vegas signing autographs and the other half in Valencia, Calif. with Kiana and the kids. (He is referring to Kiana’s children, not her breasts.)
     
  • Gets yelled at by Kiana for leaving his suitcase on their nice new chairs.
     
  • Jokes that his suitcase is “cleaner than my pants is.”
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Needles Kiana for, at the time they met, knowing who Steve Garvey was, but not him. “I got twice as many hits as Steve Garvey.”
     
  • Says Kiana “was good-lookin’. That’s why I noticed her. But that wasn’t the sole reason why I pursued her. She was built good too.”
     
  • Looks blankly at Kiana’s Chanel bag.
     
  • Brings up that his own children are unlikely to come to the couple’s engagement party because they do not support his relationship with Kiana.
     
  • Has a brief spat with Kiana, scored to dramatic music and filmed in slo-motion.
     
  • Responds to Kiana’s request that he not tell her father that she had breast enlargement surgery with “what’d you used to wear when you went to his house, tents?”
     
  • Nevertheless agrees not to start up a conversation with Kiana’s father about his daughter’s breasts.
     
  • Tells the camera, “I’m not so sure I believe her dad don’t know shit about her implants. You don’t think plastic surgery has hit South Korea?”
     
  • Stares at Kiana’s breasts as she explains to the camera that her problem with her breast size is that it doesn’t look proportionate to her body.
     
  • Stares at Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Stares at Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Stares at Kiana’s breasts.
     
  • Does a slow burn when Kiana says their friends call the couple “Felons and Melons.”
     
  • Suggests “Hits and Tits” instead.
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Compromises on the breast reduction surgery, saying, “I didn’t give her that ring because of her breasts. Half of it anyway.”
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Sits down at a restaurant table with Kiana’s parents.
     
  • Asks Kiana’s father about his golf game.
     
  • Points at Kiana.
     
  • Thanks Kiana’s mother for “creating this face.”
     
  • Says that the restaurant where he proposed to Kiana was the Mesa Grille.
     
  • Says “no Mexicans go there.”
     
  • Does a bizarre salsa dance.
     
  • Tells Kiana’s mother that every time she and her daughter talk to each other in Korean, he thinks they’re fighting.
     
  • Does a Korean accent that he’d probably take back, if he could.
     
  • Wears a shirt that has “Hit King” embroidered on the collar.
     
  • Eats a cookie.
     
  • Tells the camera, “I’m convinced her mom knows she had implants five or six years ago, but her dad don’t. I’m gonna let the cat out of the bag.”
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Takes out his cell phone and scrolls to a picture of Kiana wearing lingerie.
     
  • Shows it to Kiana’s father.
     
  • Laughs uproariously.
     
  • Offers Kiana’s mother coffee.
     
  • Looks offended when Kiana’s mother says Pete is looking fatter.
     
  • Mocks Kiana’s mother with the aforementioned Korean accent.
     
  • Pouts.
     
  • Says “one or both” of his daughters might be coming to the engagement party.
     
  • Laughs when Kiana calls her sister a “c--t.”
     
  • Tells camera, “I’ve never met her sister, but I’ve never met anyone who dislikes Kiana. Except her sister!”
     
  • When Kiana asks him which dress to wear to the party, requests she not wear a purple dress. “I don’t like purple. Wear the white one.”
     
  • Smiles when Kiana wears the white dress.
     
  • Wears another bowler hat.
     
  • Says that he doesn’t want to have another child.
     
  • Frowns when he sees that his daughters have not come to the engagement party.
     
  • Looks sad.
     
  • Says he’s not ready to set a date for the wedding because “we’re still trying to get our family issues figured out and everything.”
     
  • Looks sad.
     
  • Tells the camera, “We had a real good time at the party. [Kiana] was sad because some people didn’t make it, but her mom and dad was there, and we was there, and that’s the important thing.”
     
  • Makes a toast.
     
  • Says “I hope I live a long time with you and the kids.”
     
  • Is oddly sweet, actually, for Pete Rose.
     
  • Gives Kiana’s mother a neck massage.
     
  • Grins impishly at the camera.
     
  • Stares at Kiana’s breasts.


* * *

I’m not sure I’m gonna make it to the second episode, I must confess. Remember, this column is meant as a valve, a release, for when you’re yelling at your television during games, or, after reading a particular column, you’re pounding your fists into your computer. Obviously, I’ll need your help to do that. Anything you want me to write about, let me know, through email or Twitter. I am at your beck and call.