Rather than pile on Lance Armstrong after watching Part One of his interview with Oprah Winfrey on Thursday night, I decided to do some math. 

Yes/No Questions Asked By Oprah in the first 20 seconds: 6

Times Lance praised a question asked by Oprah: 4

Times Lance touched his chest: 7

Times Lance said the word “technically”: 2

Times Lance said “biological passport”: 3

Times Lance said “absolutely not”: 5

Times Lance denied something: 27

Times Lance admitted something: 28

Times Lance said “I deserve this”: 2

Times Lance actively and obviously dodged a question: 2

Times Lance said he was a “bully”: 6

Times Lance lost track of the number of people he sued: 2

Times Lance laughed before answering a question: 8

Times Lance said he didn’t want to talk about someone else’s doping: 6

Times Lance talked about someone else’s doping: 8

Times Lance attributed his downfall to his comeback: 4

Times Lance attributed his mistakes to his desire to win at all costs: 3

Number of commercials in the last 15 minutes of the OWN interview: 13.

Guesstimate percentage amount of enjoyment Drew Barrymore seems to have being featured in an OWN ad: 11 percent

Times Lance talked about his mother: 2

Times Lance watched a clip of himself lying: 3

Times Lance admitted that the clip he just watched of himself was him lying: 4

Times Oprah smiled: 4

Times Oprah laughed: 2

Times Oprah asked a question and waited for the answer with her fist under her chin: 2

Times Lance said the word “toxic:” 3

Times Lance said the word “prick:” 1

Times Lance confirmed he called a woman a “whore”: 1

Times Lance called his behavior “inexcusable”: 1

Times Lance referred to himself in the third person: 2

Times camera caught Oprah looking at her cards while Lance was talking: 2

Times Oprah said the phrase “saddle sores”: 1

Times Lance said he was out of the business of calling someone a liar: 2

Times Lance said his own personal behavior was “scary”: 3

Times Lance said he wasn’t a fan of the UCI (International Cycling Union): 2

Times Lance implied that the UCI blackmailed him into a donation: 2

Times Lance denied that the UCI blackmailed him into a donation: 1

Times Lance made a quite legitimate point that the definition of the word “cheat” was to get an unfair advantage over your rivals, and therefore doping was not, in fact, cheating: 1

Times Lance equated using PEDs with having air in one’s tires: 3

Times Lance brought up his cancer: 6

Times Lance acknowledged “I don’t have a great answer” before answering: 2

Times Lance talked about “’Serious Wolves”: 1

Times Lance said the word “True”: 11

Times Lance said the word “Sorry”: 4

Times Lance said the word “Lie”: 4

Times Lance called someone fat: Zero!

Times Lance seemed taken aback that Oprah turned out to be a helluva lot tougher interview than he thought she would be: Infinite.

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All right, so my math is probably off a little, here or there. But I did my best. I think you get my various drifts. Remember, this column is meant as a valve, a release, for when you’re yelling at your television during games, or, after reading a particular column, you’re 
pounding your fists into your computer. Obviously, I’ll need your help to do that. Anything you want me to write about, let me know, through email or Twitter. I am at your beck and call.