We all had so much fun with the Lance Armstrong By the Numbers column last week that I figured I'd try it again with Katie Couric's much-anticipated interview with Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o, which aired on stations across the country Thursday.
So let's hop right in.
* Number of minutes of actual aired interview between Katie Couric and Manti Te'o: 29
* Number of cardigans worn by Manti Te'o: 1
* Number of times Te'o confessed to "lying," using that word: 1
* Number of characters in Twitter Direct Message Te'o claimed to receive from Tuiasosopo apologizing for his actions: 351
* Number of times the word "Deadspin" was used: 3
* Number of times Ronaiah Tuiasosopo was called a "Christian crooner:" 1
* Number of times Katie Couric asked a question and, before Te'o could answer, the show cut to commercial or a montage of more questions: 6
* Number of times Katie put on her glasses to ask a question: 2
* Number of times Te'o denied knowing anything about the scam: 1
* Number of times Te'o claimed there was something he "couldn't fake:" 1
* Number of times Te'o claimed his relationship with the fake woman who had been his fake friend "picked up" to the level of a fake girlfriend: 1
* Number of times Te'o laughed: 4
* Number of times Te'o laughed because Katie asked him if he was gay: 2
* Number of times Te'o laughed at his own naïveté: 1
* Number of "Rs" on the end of the word "Far" when Te'o responded to Katie's question as to whether he was gay with "Far from it:" Oh, let's go with 9. Nine sounds right.
* Number of audience cutaways: 4
* Number of audience cutaways because Te'o was laughing because Katie had asked him if he were gay: 1
* Number of times Te'o referred to Kekua as if she were a real, live person, still today: 44
* Number of times Te'o responded to Kekua accusing him of having another woman in his room by claiming "that couldn't be true:" 1
* Number of times Te'o praised Tuiasosopo's "incredible talents:" 1
* Number of times Katie said, "That just doesn't make sense to me:" 1
* Number of times Katie's face looked something like this: 34
* Number of times Te'o said he "had doubts" about Kekua: 6
* Number of times Te'o said those doubts were resolved within minutes of them arising: 5
* Number of times Te'o said he didn't do something because he was scared of his parents: 11
* Number of times Manti Te'o is likely to be asked to do advertisements for Apple's FaceTime: 0
* Number of times Manti Te'o expressed anger toward to Ronaiah Tuiasosopo: 0
* Number of times Te'o said he was sorry: 2
* Number of times Te'o said Kekua and him had plans to meet each other: 4
* Number of times Te'o cried before his parents came on stage: 0
* Number of times Te'o began to cry once his parents came on stage, before Katie had even asked him a question: 1
* Number of times Te'o fully began to cry: 1
* Number of times Te'o's parents cried: 1
* Number of interviews Te'o is likely to give about this, after this, before the NFL draft in April: 0
* Number of times I've watched "Katie" before today: 0
* Number of "special thanks" given to ESPN: 1
* Number of times I'm likely to watch "Katie" after today: A few, actually. She did all right.
* Appearances by Lennay Kukua: 0, or infinite, or somewhere in-between. We honestly cannot know for sure.
* Percentage of sense that whole hour made: 4 percent
* Percentage of words Manti Te'o said that I personally believe: 42 percent
* Percentage, at this point, any of it matters: 0 percent
This interview is the end of it, I bet. Seriously, as I said earlier this week, we're never going to find out what happened. At this point, I guess it doesn't matter. You can already sense people losing interest. The more bizarre it gets, the more difficult it becomes to sort out, the more everyone just recedes and goes back to their own lives. Who knows: Maybe it's for the best.
* * *
I honestly think Katie Couric would be better on an NFL pregame show that half of the people who work for Fox. Remember, this column is meant as a valve, a release, for when you're yelling at your television during games, or, after reading a particular column, you're pounding your fists into your computer. Obviously, I'll need your help to do that. Anything you want me to write about, let me know, through email or Twitter. I am at your beck and call.