Like the NFL draft? Like lists? Like NFL draft lists? You are in luck. The following top-five lists will take you through all seven rounds: top prospects, sleepers, boom-or-bust players, crazy names and the scarcest resource of all in this year's class: half-decent quarterbacks.
Top five prospects
1. Eric Fisher, tackle, Central Michigan. Four months ago, you never heard of him. You may still have never heard of him. You really want to hear his name when your favorite team is on the clock. He's talented, tough and loaded with upside.
2. Star Lotulelei, defensive tackle, Utah. Meets double-teams the way a jackhammer meets cracked pavement. Does not generate sacks for himself, but will create tons of opportunities for teammates.
3. Luke Joeckel, tackle, Texas A&M. A Jake Long type of left tackle who eliminates pass-protection worries for the next decade or so.
4. Dee Milliner, cornerback, Alabama. A rock-solid defender with a knack for underneath zone coverage. Recent rumors about his injury history lowering his draft stock can be traced back to the website WoodyJohnsonWishfulThinking.org.
5. Sharrif Floyd, defensive tackle, Florida. Quick feet, wide butt, strong hands, high motor. Everything you want in a three-tech tackle.
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Top five quarterbacks (making the best of a bad situation)
1. E.J. Manuel, Florida State. Most experts will tell you that they like Manuel better than the other prospects, but that other experts like other prospects better than Manuel. Manuel has the least minuses of any of this year's top quarterbacks, which isn't the same as having the most plusses, but it will have to do.
2. Geno Smith, West Virginia. The next Tony Romo. The lines for the pre-polarized opinions start on the left and right.
3. Matt Barkley, USC. The next Matt Schaub. I don't know how we are supposed to feel about that comparison, either.
4. Ryan Nassib, Syracuse. His highlight reel stands up to any in the nation. His blooper reel makes The Three Stooges look like Ingmar Bergman. Do you like that joke? It could have been used for Smith, Tyler Bray (Tennessee) or Mike Glennon (North Carolina State), and it still would have fit.
5. Tyler Wilson, Arkansas: Looked great in 2011, but thanks to Bobby Petrino, his entire 2012 season was both a blooper reel and a saga worthy of Ingmar Bergman.
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Five boom-or-bust early rounders
1. Tyler Bray, quarterback Tennessee. The love child of Jay Cutler and Nuke LaLoosh.
2. Cordarrelle Patterson, wide receiver, Tennessee. Runs and jumps incredibly well. As for his route running, press-breaking and consistency, let's talk about his running and jumping.
3. Ziggy Ansah, pass rusher, BYU. Great athlete, but his game tape shows a sprinkle of hot pepper plays in a mushy pot of easily-blocked polenta.
4. D.J. Fluker, tackle, Alabama. A 1970's straight-ahead bulldozer trapped in a century that expects him to move laterally.
5. Kenny Vaccaro, safety, Texas. A great player except for some lapses, but every lapse by a free safety is a 40-yard play.
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Five players to draft if you do not need help until 2015
1. Marcus Lattimore, running back, South Carolina. A great runner and diligent worker who could be a perennial 1,000-yard rusher once he a) gets healthy; and b) adjusts his running style so he stays healthy.
2. Matt Scott, quarterback, Arizona. Skinny toothpick of a quarterback who can fling the ball and run a little. Colin Kaepernick was a toothpick once, too, though Scott looks more like the next Rich Gannon.
3. Luke Marquardt, tackle, Azusa Pacific. A 6-foot-8, 315-pound ex-basketball player who looks like the kind of guy who shoots flames out of his knuckles in a "Mortal Kombat" video game but has little football experience and just underwent foot surgery.
4. J.J. Wilcox, safety, Georgia Southern. Moved from receiver to running back to safety at a very good FCS-level program; looked raw-but-good on defense at the Senior Bowl. The kind of player Bill Belichick finds a role or four for.
5. Lawrence Okoye, pass rusher, England. An Olympic field athlete and former rugby player who weighs 300 pounds and runs the forty in 4.78 seconds? Coaches will see what develops; fans will embrace anyone whose name is "Okoye."
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Five players who could start the season opener but will never be superstars
1. Desmond Trufant, cornerback, Washington. Similar in many ways to his older brother Marcus, a great-not-superlative defender for the Seahawks for nearly a decade.
2. Justin Pugh, tackle, Syracuse. Lacks the size and athleticism of the other tackle prospects but can step in and handle standard-issue NFL pass rushers.
3. DeAndre Hopkins, wide receiver, Clemson. A well-rounded possession receiver with good hands and route skills who lacks the size, speed or sizzle for superstardom.
4. Johnathan Hankins, defensive tackle, Ohio State. Big, solid phone-booth defender who will spend a long career in three-tackle rotations.
5. D.J. Swearinger, Safety, South Carolina. Very bright, experienced and loves to hit. If he were two inches taller or a half-step faster, Swearinger would be a first-round pick.
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Five players whose high bust potential will drop them into the middle rounds
1. Tyrann Mathieu, defensive back, LSU. Yeah …
2. Christine Michael, running back, Texas A&M. My, what a fine combination of power and quickness. He looks like the kind of player who can knock people over in the NFL and … FUMBLE! BALL! BALL!! BALL!!! BALL!!!! Oh, now he's hurt.
3. Kawann Short, defensive tackle, Purdue. Hercules 20 percent of the time, heavy bag the other 80 percent.
4. Kiko Alonso, linebacker, Oregon. Looks like the best defender on the field at times, but has had injury and alcohol issues.
5. David Amerson, cornerback, North Carolina State. Intercepted 13 passes in 2011, spent 2012 playing cameo roles in receivers' highlight reels.
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Top Five "sleepers," whatever that means
1. Kenjon Barber, running back, Oregon. A tiny all-purpose, hard-nosed speedster who is too small for a 20-carry workload, which would be a real problem if running backs still regularly received 20-carry workload.
2. Stedman Bailey, wide receiver, West Virginia. Geno Smith's bestie caught 114 passes last year by mixing tunnel screens with lots of tightly-run short routes. Very Welkerish.
3. Jonathan Cyprien, safety, Florida International. Big, fast, aggressive hitter who was mistake-prone in college but has been impressing teams in interviews.
4. Kyle Long, guard, Oregon. Another Howie Long scion: a unique athlete who overcame self-created adversity to rebuild himself as a super-quick interior lineman.
5. David Bass Jr., pass rusher, Missouri Western State. Defensed 23 passes in his career as a defensive lineman, which should get your J.J. Watt antenna buzzing. Football Outsiders' SackSEER metric loves both the batted passes and his workout results, even at Division II.
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Five early-round players who are great enough at one thing to be meh at everything else
1. Mike Glennon, quarterback, North Carolina State. Throws hard.
2. Xavier Rhodes, cornerbacks, Florida State. Covers tall receivers.
3. Jarvis Jones, outside linebacker, Georgia. Fast off the edge.
4. Onterio McCalebb, return man, Auburn. Runs away from everyone.
5. John Jenkins, defensive tackle, Georgia. Huge.
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Five great players at "who cares" positions
1. Jonathan Cooper, guard, North Carolina; and Chance Warmack, guard, Alabama. The two best guard prospects of the decade. Two players who could grow into Randall McDaniel and Larry Allen. The good news for Cooper and Warmack is that teams are once again asking guards to do more than make sure no defenders run unimpeded between the center and tackle.
3. Kyle Juszczyk, fullback, Harvard. His blocks make a distinct popping sound. Juszczyk is marketing himself as an H-back; Ivy Leaguers know where the money is.
4. Datone Jones, defensive end, UCLA. Jones is a 3-4 style defensive end: a gap stuffer and blocker-occupier. Lots of 3-4 teams need Jones types, and he will be drafted by the second round, but you will never hear his name called again, only the names of the linebackers who made big plays because he gummed up the offensive line.
5. Jeff Locke, punter, UCLA. Locke led the nation in average kickoff distance last year and is a reliable lefty punter. Most draftniks know nothing about punting mechanics, including me. We can criticize Ryan Nassib's release angle but say things like "Ball Go Real Far" when talking about Locke. Head coaches are only incrementally better.
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Five great names
1. Barkevious Mingo, defensive end, LSU. Also a great pass rusher.
2. Damion Square, defensive tackle, Alabama. A late-round run plugger who is actually kind of ovoid.
3. Zach Line, fullback, SMU. THIS IS THE NFL DRAFT NOT GEOMETRY CLASS.
4. Uzoma Nwachukwu, WR, Texas A&M. His name translates from Nigerian as "child of God." I came upon him walking along the road, and I asked him "Mister, where are you going," and this he told me: "sixth or seventh round."
5. Omoregie Uzzi, guard, Georgia Tech. Uzzi hails from Lithonia, an obscure developing nation in … oh wait, it's a town in Georgia. Uzzi is a serviceable mid-round prospect who started for three-years in Georgia Tech's hinky option offense. He needs a nickname, fast.
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Al Davis' mock draft in heaven
First Round: Bjoern Werner, defensive end, Florida State. Hey, Davis wasn't just about speed. He was also about toughness, and nothing screams toughness like a Dolph Lundgren look-and-soundalike who calls football a "man's sport." Gerade gewinn, kumpel!
Second Round: Terron Armstead, tackle, Arkansas Pine-Bluff. The fastest offensive lineman ever.
Third Round: Marquise Goodwin, wide receiver, Texas. Blessedly, breathtakingly fast, but not that good at much else. Could actually be Davis' heavenly first-round pick.
Fourth Round: Shamarko Thomas, defensive back, Syracuse. Tiny, ornery safety with 4.37 speed who uses that speed to chase receivers after he misses lights-out tackles on them. A likely special-teams terror in the real NFL. A starter on Davis' cloud.
Fifth Round: Malik James, cornerback, Langston. James ran an official 4.32-second 40 … somewhere. His photo on the CBS Sports draft site is a blank silhouette. Without checking, his Twitter picture is probably an egg. But he is fast.
Sixth and seventh round: A track star and a barracuda.
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Five things you can count on
1. Eagles and Jets fans acting like it's November and their team is already 3-7.
2. The television networks tipping the picks two minutes early, sapping all the fun and drama out of an event which is completely centered around THE COMMISSIONER SAYING A NAME WE DON'T ALREADY KNOW HE WILL SAY.
3. Mike Mayock will lose his voice by Saturday. Sadly, Mel Kiper will not.
4. The same songs that play in Radio City Music Hall while teams are on the clock each year will play this year, even though fans are encouraged to vote for new songs. So, "Georgia on my Mind" for the Falcons, "Philadelphia Freedom" for the Eagles, and so on. I keep voting for "Bloodbuzz Ohio" for the Browns, but it never happens.
5. The same guy who said, "The NFL draft? Sheesh, people who watch that must have no lives," last week will engage you in a lengthy argument about what your team should have done in the sixth round on Monday morning.