It's Super Bowl Week, and it is worth nothing that the Super Bowl has become such a large event in the American social calendar that the final week of January and first few days of February just all falls under the umbrella of "Super Bowl Week." Last Super Bowl week, Ed Koch died, Hillary Clinton resigned as Secretary of State and the Miami New Times broke the Biogenesis story. The Super Bowl, and all that surrounds it, was still arguably the biggest story all that week.
This is of course ridiculous: The Super Bowl has become so huge that the game itself couldn't possibly live up to what we ask of it if all the players grew wings in the middle of the game and began to spit fire at each other. So in large part, those who travel for the Super Bowl -- which is basically the entire sports industrial complex; the Super Bowl is a massive corporate conference more than it is anything else -- are doing so for everything but the game. The game is just the thing that happens that lets you know it's time to go home.
Which means most of the week is about the parties. I have been to two Super Bowls -- this year will be my third -- and I have been to one Super Bowl party. I spent this party like I spend most parties: Standing and drinking in the corner with the one person I know, attempting to shout over the music. (I am not much of a party guy.) There are others who are more adept at Super Bowl parties, who have so much fun at them that they feel qualified to publicly comment on the attractiveness of the women paid to attend them. Perhaps you are one of them. I hope not, but maybe you are.
Point is: During Super Bowl week, all most people really care about are the parties. I'll proudly be missing all the parties again this week, but over at NJ.com, they've helpfully listed all the parties and events that you, the average consumer just visiting New York City during the coldest time of the year, can attend, and how much they will cost.
These parties strike me as a ridiculous waste, but you might not. I truly hope you do, though. Let's go chronologically.
WEDNESDAY, JAN. 29
Fashion Meets Football
For $100, you can "shop with celebrities." Get thee to Saks Fifth Avenue, where you can eat some appetizers while browsing the racks with Jason Kidd, Reggie Bush and Joe Buck, a man who knows how to shop.
THURSDAY, JAN. 30
Party Cruise With Brandon Myers
(He's a tight end for the Giants.)
(You'll be on a boat.)
Band of Horses at McKittrick Hotel
One my favorite bands on earth, for $99. This is probably worth it, and I might see you there.
FRIDAY, JAN. 31
Peter King and Jerry Rice at McKittrick Hotel
Twenty-four hours later, in the same room as Band of Horses, for just 20 bucks less. The day before, by the way, Mike Ditka will sign things for $79, the exact same amount as this King-Rice conversation.
Guy's American Kitchen and Bar, Various Events
It is perhaps fitting that this truly American event will have a ton of events hosted by the worst restaurant on earth. All of these things cost $50: Listening to Boomer Esiason talk, listening to Phil Simms talk, listening to Dan Marino talk. These things cost $100: Watching Mario Batali cook, watching Guy Fieri cook, watching Emeril Lagasse cook. Your call.
Maxim Super Bowl Party
Forgive me, I had completely forgotten Maxim was still publishing. They're probably just a couple weeks away from just naming the magazine "No Homo, Bro," right? Anyway, Kendrick Lamar, who is better than this, performs on Saturday, and tickets are $1,250 for general admission. How about the Platinum Package?
- VIP expedited check-in and access to party via a private entrance for table guests only
- Limo pass
- Onsite host, VIP security, and exclusive VIP bathroom access
- VIP table in a roped-off section for up to 15 guests on an elevated riser close to the stage
- Exclusive access to mix and mingle with our celebrity, VIP, and Maxim model guests
- Passed food
- Unlimited bottles of vodka, tequila, rum, beer, mixers, water, and more
That'll run you $43,000. Each.
Men's Fitness and Shape Magazine Party
As with all fitness events, this one will be hosted by Jeffrey Ross. Mary J. Blige sings first, John Legend sings "throughout dinner" and Marc Antony finishes up. If you want to buy a ticket, you can, right now, this very second, for $1,500, though you can get a table for $25,000. Amusingly, if you can't afford to make it in, you can stand outside in the cold and watch it broadcasted on the side of a building. On a soup line, one presumes.
Howard Stern's Birthday Bash
Hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, and supposedly David Letterman and Louis CK are coming by. You have to try to win tickets to this one. Howard Stern is turning sixty, by the way.
Leather & Laces
A Super Bowl supermodel party that actually goes on two nights, from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m., at the Liberty Theater in Times Square. From the website, "the cool, trendy, rich and famous flock to enjoy hand-rolled sushi, open bars with ultra premium liquor, as well as trays of delectable hors d'oeuvres which are passed among the sleek-dressed guests by incredibly beautiful women."
Tickets are $950 and a "private cabana" costs $30,000. When future civilizations chronicle the downfall of this one, they'll start here. This is a Super Bowl tradition 11 years strong, which means that when they first started hosting this event, most of the girls you will be looking at were, like, 10. Muse on that and reflect on why you are alone.
SATURDAY, FEB. 1
Super Bowl Celebrity Bowling Classic
Ever wonder what it might be like to bowl against a former NFL player? Yeah, me neither! But at Chelsea Piers on Saturday afternoon, you can pay $750 for the opportunity to out-bowl Harry Carson. Or $200 if you just want to watch.
Taste Of The NFL
The league's yearly hunger relief party -- which is of course a decadent feast featuring celebrity chefs -- is, perhaps inevitably, in Brooklyn this year. It's $700, which, coincidentally, is roughly what one day's rent in Brooklyn costs these days.
The Jersey Experience!
Yes, the game itself is actually taking place in New Jersey. So, have the Jersey Experience! For only $685, Naughty by Nature will be there, as well as "a true essence of the Garden State consisting of legendary nationwide artists, celebrities, athletes, and personalities with NJ roots." How can you tell this is true Jersey experience? Check out the directions from the Lincoln Tunnel: "Route 3 West to 120 North (just over Hackensack River bridge) take 120 North (STAY IN LEFT LANE) to 503 North Moonachie, travel under second overpass turn sharp right onto Paterson Plank Road East. Travel to end of road, make a left, and your first right into the parking lot."
I can think of no other example of the power of the New York/New Jersey Super Bowl party experience than "take 120 North (STAY IN LEFT LANE) to 503 North Moonachie, travel under second overpass turn sharp right onto Paterson Plank Road East." I feel like Pitbull.
Party on, all. If I see any of you from my hotel room window, I'll wave.