As the technology has reached near perfection, allowing us to order pizza with the tap of a button, obnoxious sports fans remain stuck in time, eternally fueled by alcohol to power their vehicles encased by cliches and bigotry. That is why I have founded JackApps, a tech startup devoted to improving efficiency in the highly lucrative yet largely ignored market of obnoxious sports fans. We are seeking $9 billion in funding for the following initiatives:
Who doesn't love a good sign? Well, the people sitting behind you, for one. But forget them, the rest of the world can enjoy the infinite cleverness required to turn the acronym of a major television network into a different acronym. As much as you're sure to impress all your friends and family by getting on television for five seconds because you managed to write
without any spelling errors, I think we can all admit it's time for something a little different.
Thanks to the magic of technology, we have much better ways of expressing short, unintelligible, pseudo-linguistic expressions: GIFs. GIFs won't stop signs from being hopelessly obnoxious to the other fans, but they will be much more effective tools for distracting opposing players. Imagine Peyton Manning under center barking out commands, turning to his left to give an instruction to Emmanuel Sanders and, out of the corner of his eye, catching a glimpse of himself dancing like an overzealous chaperone at a middle school cotillion. Chuckling would abound.
More and more stadiums are rolling out anonymous texting or app-based services that alert staff (or "ushers" as they insist on being called) to the presence of unruly fans. They are, in effect, facilitators for grown-up tattling. The people who utilize these services are the lowest of the low. Set a good example for the children about how to properly handle an inebriated moron: By gently bumping into him so he falls down the stairs.
Life is a continuous struggle to suppress our most juvenile urges. Everyone always has a little child in them willing to perpetuate the crime of tattling. There's only one way to get around this -- by publicly shaming the tattlers.
All Tattle users have to do is scan their ticket, and Tattle will instantly alert you when some snitch has told on you to the stadium snitching service. Since most of these services are anonymous, unfortunately Tattle cannot tell you which of your fellow fans should be mocked accordingly. That's for you to figure out. After you switch seats, of course.
You're looking for a night out, but a very specific kind of night out. One with inflatable waterfowls and cheap domestics, the type of establishment that allows its patrons to put sparklers in their mouths. With our handy app, establishments are rated according to Johnny Manziel's standards for a night on the town: frat house ambiance, abundance of cheap beers, inflatable avians per square foot, and frequency of Instagrams taken from the bathrooms. You'll never party alone, bro.
It's hard to think of a technological advance more suited to obnoxious sports fans than Twitter. In fact, you could convince me Twitter was designed specifically with sports trolls in mind. It provides a platform for quick cheap shots with no expectation of sophistication or logic. But, typing the same insults over and over again gets a little repetitive. That's where AutoTroll is here to help.
AutoTroll is a Twitter app that automatically generates hateful knee-jerk responses based on keywords from the nation's top sports personalities. Is everyone talking about whether a player deserved his contract extension? AutoTroll will perform a sentiment analysis on those tweets and automatically adopt the opposite viewpoint, littering your tweet with epithets and ad hominem attacks. AutoTroll comes with the default balanced setting, but users can customize their trolling experience for extra racism, sexism, or homophobia. Trolling has never been easier!
Still claiming Bill Belichick only wins when he cheats? Need to be reminded which NFL player couldn't remember all of his children's names? Do you believe Ray Lewis is behind several political assassinations? Then Accusapedia is the resource for you.
Accusapedia is your source for every accusation -- true or false -- lobbed at any professional athlete in painstaking detail. Whether it's criminal convictions or leaked locker room whispers, Accusapedia will document it. Need to find every reference to Spygate, from LaDainian Tomlinson's "If you ain't cheatin', you ain't tryin'" to Senator Arlen Specter's investigation? Want to find every mention of Pete Carroll's 9/11 Truthings? We got it.
For a tailored trolling experience, Accusapedia will work seamlessly with AutoTroll to generate the most tone-deaf criticism imaginable. Both platforms have been engineered to communicate with each other to pull only the most irrelevant, out-of-date hate to spew at others.
A very simple add-on to Google Translate, this language pack translates everything you say into a litany of Berman puns. An additional voice package will even speak in Berman's unique raspy tones. "I'm going to get some beer" becomes "I'm going to rumble, bumble and stumble my way to some victory drink." "I'll have the baby back ribs" becomes "I'll have the baby backbackbackbackbackback ribs!!!!" "Hi" translates to "You're with me, Leather." It will never become annoying. Ever.
We all love a good selfie, and there's no better way to document one's presence at a sports gathering than a selfie. But don't you ever wish your sports selfies were a little sportier without going through all the hassle of actually painting your face or pouring beer over your head? With Fanstagram, we have you covered.
An add-on for Instagram, Fanstagram automatically integrates sports paraphernalia into any selfie. Wish you were wearing a beer helmet and giant foam finger? Just select those options from a menu and it will automatically Photoshop them onto the appropriate limb. There are also options for face paint (color of your choice), face tattoos, and even specific jerseys and numbers. It's also a great way to prank your friends by putting Tom Brady jerseys on Jets fans.
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Special thanks to Mike Tanier for helping out.